The Pain of Love Arc
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: Sidestory 2 and Part 5 now up Very bizarre sidestory... and the final part in this arc. Don't want to give the ending away, but let's just say... Duo doesn't like to be alone and Tro is on a mission... this chapter's rating is NC-17, rating for langu
1. Part 1 Too Late: Frozen

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.These poor broken souls are not mine, I'll put them back when they're fixed.Till then they are mine to torment and torture, just a little, I promise.Song's by Type O Negative, I did play with the lyrics, but not too much.Also, used the online translator again, so don't blame me; it's been too long since high school French class.

Warnings: shonen ai, implied yaoi, **angst, language, OOCness, Heero being a bastard (gomen!)**

/ character thoughts /

Author's note: This story takes place a several months after Heero gets Zero back from Zechs.This is an Alternate Universe where the final battle hasn't happened, the White Fang hasn't made an appearance, and the war continues into AC 196.

Part 1"Too Late: Frozen"

AC 196: Winter

It was late and he was tired, so very tired.It wasn't that the mission had been difficult; he'd only been fighting Leos after all, just exhausting.He checked to make sure he hadn't been followed; though he doubted anyone could track his Deathscythe, not in full stealth mode.The coast was clear and Duo slipped his Gundam into the cave.When he'd talked with the Q-man, the blond pilot had declared it 'perfect for hiding Gundams and close to the safehouse.'"Close, my ass!I stow you, pal, and then I gotta hike two miles through the woods, at night, in the rain.Check that, sleet."He sighed."Deathscythe, old buddy, it's just not my night."

He considered just staying right where he was.It wouldn't be the first time he'd slept in the cockpit."Nah.Qat's expecting me.He'd get all kinds of upset and have kittens if I didn't show."Wearily, Duo secured the Gundam and climbed to the ground.Hefting his pack, he headed out into the night.Had he been a little more awake, he might have noticed Wing Zero tucked into the back of the cave.

"Damn, damn, damn!Duo no baka!Why don't I ever remember to bring a coat?!"The sleety rain fell in big, wet drops, landing indiscriminately on trees, bushes, and a certain tired Gundam pilot.His clothes were soaked through in no time. Duo felt chilled to the bone, he didn't have enough meat on his slender frame to provide any protection from the cold.He cursed again; he'd left his hat in the cockpit too.The freezing water ran down his hair and into his eyes.He slipped in the icy mud and fell.He struggled to his feet, swearing.His time with the Sweepers had left him with quite an impressive vocabulary in several different languages.He slid more than walked down the last part of the hill.Picking himself up he crossed the lawn and climbed the steps to the door.

"I'm cold, tired, and cranky.Can this night possibly get any worse?"He knocked on the door."Of course, a new place and I don't have a key."He bounced up and down, trying to get warm, and knocked again."Come on people, I'm freezing out here!"Finally Duo heard the locks being released and the door swung open."Well it's 'bout damn time!What took you…"Standing in the door, was Heero Yuy.

**_So will you say, you're very sorry?_**

**_"It won't happen again - forgive me?"… _******

Duo stood in the doorway, speechless.Heero turned and walked back to his computer.He sat down and resumed typing.Duo forced his shocked and exhausted body to step inside.Mechanically, he shut and locked the door.That done, his numb mind didn't know what else to do.He just stood there, freezing water and mud pooling around his cold feet, staring at his ex-lover's back.Heero hadn't even spoken a word.Two months since he'd walked out, and not even a word!Let alone an explanation or a real apology.Duo's frozen mind registered footsteps and then Quatre appeared in the room.

"Heero, who was…Oh, Duo-kun, okaeri!You made it.Hey guys, Duo's here!How was the mission?"The Arabian hurried over to take his bag.Wufei sauntered in, arrogant smirk on his face, with Trowa trailing along behind.They all used Japanese by common consent when together, it was the only language besides English that they all had in common.And Heero didn't like English.Duo tried not to take that personally.But for some reason the familiar words felt like tiny daggers in Duo's soul tonight.They just emphasized the loss he'd felt since Heero'd walked out.

Duo nodded to the blond boy."Quatre.Mission was fine."He forced himself to release the death grip he had on the bag, relinquishing it to the boy.

"Konban wa, Maxwell.I trust you accomplished the objectives?"Wufei seemed to be itching for one of their fights, but Duo was just too tired to rise to the bait tonight.

"Yeah, Wufei.I got it."He reached inside his outer shirt and pulled out a slender disk.He tossed it to the Chinese pilot."Sorry it's a bit wet.I forgot a coat."Wufei's eyebrows nearly met his hairline./Maxwell is being civil?And actually used my real name?Something has to be wrong. /He frowned.The braided pilot shivered.

Quatre jumped to take off Duo's black minister's shirt, while Trowa knelt to remove his boots.Wufei handed the disk off to Heero and watched with concern.Even as tired as the American obviously was, something else had to be up.He was being too quiet.Quatre finally got through the two layers of shirt and laid a small hand against the pilot's chest.His skin was cold and clammy, the muscles twitching in an effort to generate warmth."Allah!Duo-kun, you're soaked through.You're freezing!"

He placed a hand on the blond pilot's shoulder for balance as Trowa pulled off his muddy, wet boots."Yeah, as I said, I forgot my coat."He shivered violently.

"Go and get in a hot shower.You're going to get sick if you don't get out of those clothes."

"Sure, Quatre, whatever."Duo numbly walked up the stairs, shaking with cold and leaning on the rail for support.The others exchanged worried looks.It was as if the life had been sucked right out of their friend.

"What's with Maxwell?"

"Got me.Tro?"Trowa looked over at the fifth member of their little group.The one, who hadn't uttered a word, hadn't even turned from his computer.Wufei frowned./Yuy has a lot to answer for. /

**_Time will not heal these wounds._**

**_And I'm bleeding because of you… _**

The hot spray felt good.He was so cold, inside and out.He always felt dirty after a mission.Even if he didn't get physically dirty, he always felt dirty.It was a psychological thing, trying to wash away the mental blood that stained his hands./Humph, me and Lady MacBeth. /He turned the water up as hot as he could stand to rinse away the grime from his mission, and try to chase away the numbness in his soul.His body was on autopilot as he washed his hair.That chore complete, he just stood and let the water flow over him.But tonight the ritual didn't soothe the thoughts circling wildly in his mind.

/Why?Why the Hell did Heero have to show up here?Why tonight of all nights when I have no energy for acting?I'm sure the others noticed.They had to have noticed.And I was doing so well, convincing them that I was fine. /He leaned his head against the wall./Two months, Heero.Two months without an explanation.Then you just show up and act like nothing ever happened and everything is fine.Well it isn't.And I don't know if I can deal with you right now. /He knocked his forehead against the wall./I should've stayed in Deathscythe.I could've just called in and told them where I was.Damn you, Heero! /

His hands clenched tight in anger.He didn't even notice when blood started oozing from his palms./Why didn't Qat tell me?He knows what the bastard did to me.He knows what happened, as much as I do.Why didn't he warn me? /He sighed and took a deep breath./I shouldn't blame him; maybe he didn't know Heero was going to show up.He does have a tendency to appear when you least expect him. /

**_Was everything we had a joke?_**

**_I've run out of patience, tears, and hope… _**

Duo rested his cheek against the tiles and let the water stream over his face./Heero.Why did you have to pick tonight?I'm so damn tired.I should get out of here.Get out and go to bed.Maybe get something to eat. /The first tear spilled out to mingle with the water already running down his face./I should get out.I gotta pull myself together.Heero.Why? /He sank down the wall to kneel beneath the spray./Boys don't cry. /The tears ran in earnest as he crossed his arms, hugging himself, blood running off his fingers./Boys don't cry. /

Quatre knocked on the bathroom door."Duo?"He'd been in there a long time."Duo-kun, daijoubu desu ka?"The only sound the boy could hear was the hiss of the shower.He knocked again."Duo, I'm coming in."Nothing.Quatre tried the door; it was unlocked, unusual for American.He cracked it."Duo?"Steam filled the small room.The blond pilot shut the door behind him, automatically turning the lock.He had a feeling they would need the privacy.

"Duo-kun, are you all right in there?"

**_Love does not conquer all, _**

**_and I'm screaming because of you… _**

"Quatre?"Maybe it was the broken tone of his voice, or the quick, hitching breaths, or the dull ache in his own chest; but Quatre knew Duo was far from okay.The Arabian pulled the shower door open a bit and gasped.The boy was huddled on the floor of the stall, crying as if his heart was broken./Which isn't far from the truth.Oh, Heero, how could you do this to him? /Quatre couldn't remember seeing Duo like this before.Something else caught his eye, the blood tingeing the water pink.

The boy tilted his face to look up at him.The amethyst eyes, normally so full of energy and mischief; were red-rimmed and puffy.He dashed away the tears with the back of his hand."Sorry, Qat.I just can't stop."He couldn't help but notice that the boy had switched to English, something he only did when he was very tired, or extremely upset.Quatre had already removed his vest and socks and was working on his shirt.

"That's okay.I understand."

Quatre dropped the rest of his clothes in a pile and stepped into the shower. He knelt behind Duo and wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy.He surreptitiously checked the thin wrists, no lacerations.He turned over the boy's hands, carefully opening the white-knuckled fists.There, several half-moon shaped cuts oozing bright red blood.He sighed with relief, he'd had been afraid Duo had done something more serious.He put all the comfort he had into the embrace.The warm water fell over them like a gentle, soothing rain.Despite the heat, the boy still shivered and felt a bit chilled to Quatre. /Not a good sign. /

Duo pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes."I'm sorry…I'm sorry…"

"For what?"Quatre asked gently.

"Boys don't cry."The blond pulled back slightly.

"Oh, really?Why not?"He rubbed Duo's back soothingly.

The boy froze, his ragged breathing the only motion.Finally he took a deep breath and answered."I duh know."

"Then why worry about it?"Quatre gathered the long chestnut locks and draped them over one thin shoulder, out of the immediate danger of being pulled into the drain.He didn't even want to imagine the work involved if any of it got stuck.Duo sat down on the floor and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his head on his knees.Quatre got the sense that he was trying to shut himself away from everyone and everything.It was so unlike him.Duo was always the one who lived his emotions to his fingertips./But then again, how much do we really know about each other?He works so hard to mask his pain; **he may not even know where the 'real Duo' is anymore. /His body language screamed resignation and defeat.Quatre shifted to sit beside him, wiping the water from his face.**

"Why, Qat?Why did he come here?"

"I don't know.He didn't say.But what you should really ask yourself is what are **you do you want to do about him?"**

**_Too late for apologies… _**

"I…I don't know.I hate him…and yet…"He hunched over, hiding.Quatre draped an arm over the slight shoulders and pulled him close./Oh, Duo.I'm so sorry.This has been eating away at you the whole time hasn't it?And I've been too blinded by my own problems to notice. /

Duo felt his never-entirely-stable-self cracking.He was smart enough to know that his mind just wasn't quite right, moods swinging from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye.Usually he could hide his problems behind his jester's grin.But, he was just too tired to hold everything together tonight./Too much, it's just too much.I can't deal, not tonight.Oh God, please, I don't want to lose it. /

**_In the shadow of the light from a black sun,… _**

Quatre was shocked when Duo suddenly collapsed against him with a keening cry.It was as if the mask he had cultivated for so long had just shattered into a million pieces.The boy's 'soul-pain' echoed in Quatre's heart, such overwhelming pain and anguish.Duo just didn't act like this, they could all see through the jester sometimes, but this… This was a shadow of the boy they knew.A fragile, broken shadow.

The Arab tentatively reached out his senses.If he concentrated really hard… He gently 'touched' the boy's pain and nearly recoiled physically./So much pain…Like a great gaping hole…a dark, aching void…Emptiness… /Some of it felt very old, wounds that had only been covered up, memories suppressed, and never completely healed.He swallowed his own discomfort and held the weeping boy tight, murmuring softly in Arabic.The tears finally ran out, leaving the fragile boy shaking, emotionally drained.He looked horrible.

"Duo?"

Quatre sensed more than heard the boy's reply."I love him, Quatre."

He sighed."I know.That's why it's so painful."He gently kissed the boy's forehead and laid his small hand against the warm skin."I think we should get you to bed.Can you get up?"There was no response.Quatre reached up and turned off the water.He half-supported, half-carried the emotionally shattered pilot out of the shower.

**_Frigid statue, standing icy-blue and numb… _**

/Oh God, I'm losing it…It's so dark…so dark…Heero…I can't deal with this tonight…Tomorrow…I'll take care of it all tomorrow…I …I'm so cold…I can't feel anything anymore…Oh, God, NO!…Quatre?…please, help me…I don't want to be like this…I can't let you see me like this…but I'm trapped…I'm lost…I'm lost… /Duo's mind had detached from reality, it was a trick he'd learned a long time ago, on the streets.A way to shelter his fragile psyche behind carefully built walls, where he couldn't feel the pain, couldn't be hurt.It had become the place where he went when everything got to be too much.But now it was beyond his control, dragging him down into a dark abyss, whether he wanted it or not. 

**_Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection?_**

**_I'm freezing… _**

Duo seemed to be nothing more than a doll as Quatre dried him off and wrapped him in a warm towel.The Arab quickly dried himself and pulled on his boxers.The boy seemed to be in some type of trance, just sitting there staring vacantly.The blond pilot gently tended his injured palms; there was no reaction, not even when he swabbed the wounds with the stinging antiseptic.Quatre unlocked the door and peeked out.As he expected, Trowa was waiting outside.He pushed away from where he'd been holding up the wall, as Quatre opened the door fully.

"Comment est-ce que'il est?"[How is he?]

The petite blond shrugged, mentally switching languages again, it seemed to be the night for it."Pas bon.Heero qui voit vraiment l'a lance.Et je le pense son tomber qui malade sur cela."[Not good.Seeing Heero has really thrown him.And I think he's getting sick on top of that.]Tro walked in and gently touched Duo's flushed face.His mouth quirked in a little frown and he nodded his agreement of Quatre's assessment.He easily lifted the slight boy, cradling him against his chest and resting the damp head on his shoulder.He looked down into the beautiful face that stared off into nowhere.Trowa's frown deepened and he held the boy a little closer.Quatre inwardly smiled, the quiet pilot had just given him confirmation of what he had suspected for a while now.

"Le prendre a ma salle.Ou est-ce que Wu est?"[Take him to my room.Where's Wu?]Trowa carefully maneuvered through the doorway with his precious burden before answering.

"Heero qui donne un morceau de son espirit."[Giving Heero a piece of his mind.]Shouts drifted up the stairway.

Quatre bit his lip nervously."Peut-etre je dois..."[Maybe I should…]

"Non."

"Mais…" [but]

"Il n'est pas le temps a la paix de marque.Duo a besoin de vous maitenent."[It's not the time to make peace.Duo needs you now.]He carefully set the catatonic boy on the bed."En plus, quand Wu est fait, il es mon virage."[Besides, when Wu's done it's my turn.]He brushed aside the chestnut bangs and stroked the heart-shaped face with gentle fingers."Et Yuy ecoutera.Sejour.Vous ne voulez pas a entend."[And Yuy will listen.Stay.You don't want to hear.]

"Seulment ne pas tuer les autres, s'il vous plait, Tro?"[Just don't kill each other, please, Tro?]A ghost of a smile graced the acrobat's face.He nodded and left the room.The worried blond looked down at his other friend."Oh, Duo.What a mess.How do you manage to get yourself into these things?"Picking up a brush, he started to work through the tangled mass of chestnut waves.

"Duo?Can you hear me?It's Quatre.I'm going to take care of your hair so it won't be a mess when you wake up.Is that okay?"Nothing.He sighed./Just talk to him, Quatre.About anything.He feels like he is alone.He needs to know he isn't. /He closed his own doubt-filled eyes./Tell him about yourself. /

**_Cold winter winds that chill my heart with sleet and snow… _**

Even inside his private prison, the thoughts kept circling.Running round and round, torturing him.Pain, doubt, and self-recrimination chasing him as he spiraled down into the darkness.Demons mocked him, slicing off little bits of his soul.*Words… That's all they are…No one cares…No one's is ever there…You are alone…You have always been alone… You will always be alone…Everyone says the words…But no one really cares…Do they?… Heero spoke the words, and then look what he did…*

/I thought maybe it would be different with him…/

*Lies…The words are lies…You are not worthy…Not worthy of love…You belong to death…belong to Shinigami...Better to stay here…Stay with us in the comforting nothingness… Stay where there is no pain…no hurt…no lies…no words…no feeling…no one…no one…*

/But I don't want to be alone!…I want to feel…/

*Even if it hurts?…*

/Yes…cause that means I'm still alive…That Shinigami hasn't completely taken me over yet…/

*It's too late for that little boy…*The demons circled cackling.

/Is someone out there?… /

*No…*

/I hear something…Like a voice echoing down a long, dark tunnel… /

*Ignore it…You will only get hurt again…*

/Quatre?…It's Quatre … /

*So?…*

/Qat has always been nice…He's kind…He cares…/

*But you thought Heero cared too…*

/But, it's Qat…He's not like Heero…Quatre, can you help me?…Don't leave me in here…all alone with them…Please…not alone… /

"I'm going to tell you a secret, Duo.I always give my enemies the chance to surrender.Did you know that?I hate killing, so I give them a chance.I mean, in the Gundams we have such an overwhelming advantage that it doesn't seem fair.What do you think the others would say if they knew I did that?I hate killing, but I can do it when it's necessary.I just keep telling myself that I do it so others won't have to.But, my family…"

/Quatre is telling me a secret?…Me?… Motor-mouth Maxwell!…/

*Don't listen to him…*

/Surrender?…I can imagine their reactions…Wu-man would call it 'weakness'… Heero…/

*Yes?…What about Heero?…*He fought against the dark wings that rose around him.

/Heero would sneer… and shoot them anyway…Trowa …Tro would quietly support Quatre and then remove the obstacle when he wasn't looking…/

*And what about you?…* 

/Me?…I have to respect Q-man's strength…It takes guts to do what he does…It's a dangerous game he's playing…It could get him killed…No wonder Tro is so careful to stay near him when they have missions together…Wish I had more missions with Trowa…/

*Oh, really?…why is that?…*

/None of your business!…Qat hates killing?…No surprise there…/

*He is weak…*

/But he does it!…We really don't give Q-man enough credit…/

Quatre sensed a flicker from Duo.He gave no sign, not wanting to frighten the boy back to whatever dark hole he was trapped in.He kept talking, braiding the long strands."But, my family.Well, you know I have twenty-nine sisters.I've only ever met about seventeen or eighteen of them.And I only really know ten.Irea is my favorite.She is the most supportive.I'm really close to her and Yasmina and especially Anael.Oh, and Sarah and Rachael too.But Irea is the best.She even stood up to Father for me."Quatre sighed, his voice quieted."Father wasn't happy with me becoming a pilot.I never could do anything right."

/Q-man sounds so sad…I always thought it would be great to have a father…To have a family…/

*You'd only lose them…*

/I thought Qat's life was so easy…/

*Are we wishing for something we'll never have?…*

/I mean, he's never been hungry…Or lived on the streets…/

*Easy life…*

/Or seen everyone he loves die…/

*Like you?…*

/Wait…He did…Sort of…He watched as his father was killed…/

*How sad…*

/And went crazy…/

*Kinda like you?…*

/Is Qat as lonely as me?…/

*No one is as lonely as you…*

/Go away!…I thought him and Tro…But they don't seem to be together as much now…/

*Opportunity knocks?…*

/Maybe I won't have to be alone anymore…/

*You will always be alone…*

Through sheer force of will, Duo pushed back against the darkness.He found that he was afraid, afraid of being swallowed up by the encroaching darkness and the demons in his head.He couldn't allow that, not with Quatre throwing him a lifeline.

I'm freezing… 

He opened his eyes to see the gentle Arab tying off his braid.The boy's face was sad, full of remembered pain.He had to know."What…"His voice cracked, Duo swallowed and tried again."What do you mean you couldn't do anything right?"

"Duo?!Are you okay?"

Duo ignored the question, he had his own."Didn't your father love you?"

Quatre started, surprised."Umm, yeah.I guess so.I didn't really see him much."The blond looked down shyly."And when I did he usually yelled at me."

"What for?"

"Well, my grades.He was never happy with A's, they had to be A+.And my music.My technique needed work, and I should improve my interpretation.Then when I became a pilot…"

"So family life sucked."

"Yeah, most of the time.You?"

"I never had a family, Q-man."

Quatre tilted his head."Sure you did.You do.You make a family for yourself wherever you go.It is one of your gifts.Family isn't always made up of blood.I mean, I'm proof of that."

"But you have a family."

"No.My real family is not the one you're thinking of."

"Then who is your family?"

"Right now?The four of you."

Duo was shocked.Quatre considered them a family?"Oh, that's just great.We've got to be the poster-children for the dysfunctional family."He giggled hysterically and in a flash the mask crumbled again.He hugged himself, he felt so cold."Oh God, Qat.What am I going to do?I'm so messed up."He hunched over; Quatre wrapped a blanket around his shivering body and hugged him.

"Yeah, you are."

"Gee, thanks."

"Sorry.I don't know what to tell you.But for tonight, just don't worry about it.You're coming down with something."

"Yeah, a bad case of Yuy-psychosis."

Quatre giggled."No, I mean you're getting sick.You must have picked something up.That cold rain didn't help.You have a fever."

"I hate being sick."

"You just rest."

Duo looked him in the eye.Quatre could see behind all the jokes and masks.He could see the 'real Duo', the child that ran and hid in dark corners.A frightened, lonely child."Quatre, I don't think I can sleep alone.I'm afraid of the dreams, I'm afraid I'll get lost, and I won't be able to find my way back."

I'm frozen… 

Quatre lay on the bed and pulled Duo down beside him."You don't have to be alone."The boy sighed with relief.He hadn't slept much the last two months.Only when he could beg his way into one of the others' bed. He relaxed into the comforting embrace as the blond boy pulled the blankets over them both.He rested his head against the smaller pilot's chest and listened to his steady heartbeat.It was nice not to have to pretend tonight.To not have to smile and joke when he didn't feel like it.Quatre had seen something none of the others had, a glimpse of the 'real Duo.'The one that was always hiding.The one that got hurt, that was hurt, that was in pain.

"Where are the others?"It was going to be painful, but he had to know.

Quatre stiffened and Duo heard his heart skip a beat."They're all downstairs."Duo felt a hollow ache.So everyone but Qat thought he was weak.His arms tightened unconsciously."What's wrong, Duo?"

"Nothing."

"Duo it isn't nothing, I can tell.Tell me, what are you thinking?"

"At least you don't think I'm weak."

"Oh, you think…no!They're downstairs because Wu was reading Heero the riot act.Tro said he was next."

"Really?"

"Yeah."Duo was touched.Wu-man and Tro, sticking up for him?Who'd have thought?They lay in silence for many moments.Quatre absent-mindedly playing with Duo's hair.The tired boy sighed and a tear trickled down the blonde's chest.

"Qat?"

"Yes, Duo-chan?"

"Me and…"He swallowed the lump in his throat."and Heero."

"Yeah?"

"It's not gonna be a happy ending is it?"Quatre closed his eyes and hugged Duo, offering any comfort he could.He wished for Duo's sake it could be, but that just didn't seem possible right now.

"I don't think so.Sorry."

"That's okay, s'not your fault.I think I knew anyway, I just needed to hear it."Tears ran fresh, but it wasn't long before Duo's exhausted, feverish body slipped into sleep.Quatre wiped the tears from the heated face and kissed his forehead."No, Duo.It's not going to be happily-ever-after.For either of us."

**_It's too late. _**

-sin sin, tis done-

I know it doesn't resolve itself; you will just have to read the sequel, "Blood and Fire."

-I was working on this story while visiting with my father.He kept asking what my story was about, and I kept putting him off.I haven't even told him I've been a practicing pagan for five years, I certainly can't tell him I write yaoi!He just couldn't deal with that.^_~


	2. Part 2 Blood and Fire

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc__

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.I don't own the G-boys, I only borrow them occasionally. They will be returned after I fix what I've broken.The song is by Type O Negative and I only tinkered with the lyrics a little.

Warnings: 1x2, ?x2, yaoi, lemon, language, violence, **angst, OOCness, AU**

/ character thoughts /

_flashback_

Author's Note:This story is the sequel to "Too Late: Frozen".

_ _

Part 2 "Blood and Fire"

AC 196: Winter

"Yep, I'm drunk.Really, really drunk.And I just don't give a fuck."Duo cocked back his arm and hurled the empty bottle across the dingy cabin.It shattered against the far wall, the pieces coming to rest amidst the remains of five or six other bottles that had met a similar fate.He peered at the broken bits of glass with blurry, bloodshot eyes."So how many is that?Six?Seven?How long ago did I start?Did I come up here yesterday?Or the day before?"He shrugged."Oh, who the Hell cares?"He flopped back against the bed and fumbled for another bottle.Cursing, Duo fought with the top until he finally got it off.Just for spite, he flung it in the vague direction taken by the bottles and took a big gulp.He coughed as the cheap liquor burned all the way down."Ah, sweet oblivion, here I come."

**_I always thought we'd be together, _**

**_and that our love could not be better..._**

Another bottle crashed against the wall.The floor was littered with the sparkling shards.Duo reached for more to drink."Huh?Oh, shit!It's all gone.Ah Hell, now what?Not good, Duo my man.You're alone, drunk off your ass and talking to yourself."He giggled hysterically."Not exactly indicative of a stable personality."He said in a good imitation of Professor G's voice.He buried his face in his hands and rocked on his tailbone."Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! **God damn you, Yuy!"He slammed his fist into the floor and then cradled his injured hand."Oww.Why am I doing this?Why the Hell am I doing this?For what?Over you?Over the Goddamned, fucking, 'perfect soldier' who just up and dumped me?!Why the fuck am I mourning over you, bastard? Damn you, Heero…damn you…"**

**_Well with no warning you were gone, _**

**_I still don't know what went wrong... _**

_"Hee-chan?Where are you going?"_

_"I'm leaving."_

_"You have a mission?"_

_"Iie."_

_"W... Wakarenai?"[I don't understand]___

_"Gomen."He picked up his bag and left.Duo sat down on Heero's_

_bed, or what used to be Heero's bed.Quatre poked his head in._

_"Don't worry, Duo-kun.You know Heero.He'll be back."_

_"I don't know, Qat.It's different this time."_

_"Did something happen?"_

_"Not that I know of."_

_"Then why worry?"_

_"You're right, Q-kun.He'll be back."_

**_You don't know what I've been though._**

**_Just want to put my love in you..._**

"Damn it, Yuy!What the Hell happened?Finally, for once in my life I was actually happy.So why did you have to go and screw with it?"Duo got to his feet and staggered around the dirty little cabin, kicking and crunching broken bottles underfoot.The place should have been torn down years ago.There was almost no glass left in the windows, the floor was littered with dry leaves and other trash that had blown in, and the roof didn't look all that water-tight.There was no running water or electricity.He was burning candles for light.Duo didn't care.The only reason he'd come out here was to be alone.The others, mainly their 'mother-hen of a leader', had finally stopped watching him so closely and he had been able to slip away.He appreciated their concern, but they were smothering him, and this was something he had to get through on his own.

He knew going on a bender like this wasn't a good answer, nor was it exactly smart or healthy.But he needed this, he needed to so something incredibly stupid.Not that he wanted to kill himself, he just wanted to escape.Just for a little while, just a few days of binge drinking to numb the pain.After Yuy had showed up at that last safehouse… He paced, swearing, wishing that he were blissfully passed out right about now.He fell to his knees, shards digging into his skin through his jeans, as the memories flooded back unbidden.

**_No more nights of blood and fire..._**

_Duo groaned."Oh, Heero…"Chestnut hair spilled over the pillow, freed_

_from it's usual braid.He panted and moaned again.Heero's hands were_

_locked on his hips, almost bruising, mouth and tongue working the boy's_

_arousal with practiced strokes.Duo screwed his eyes shut and gasped as _

_Heero quickened his pace.His hands clenched at the sheets as his whole_

_body went taut and sparks danced across his vision."Heero!"_

__

_The Japanese boy looked up and smiled.Duo felt warmth wash over him, _

_he was the only one Heero favored with his smile.He crawled up over _

_Duo's spent body and kissed him deeply.He could taste himself on _

_Heero, salty and bitter.The silent boy nibbled along his neck, his still-hard _

_arousal rubbing against Duo's inner thighs."Heero."He whispered, a _

_burning need screaming though his body._

__

_"Hai?"_

_"Take me, onegai?"His nerves were on fire._

_"Hai." The boy groaned and squirmed under Heero's touch._

_"Ahhh…"The violet-eyed boy moaned and pushed back against the _

_questing fingers."Onegai, Heero!"_

__

_Abruptly, the fingers were gone, and Duo whined in frustration.Heero _

_settled himself between his legs and lifted his hips.Slowly, gently, Heero _

_impaled his lover.Bracing himself on his arms and he stared down _

_at his beautiful koi.Duo loved to lay beneath him, watching his eyes._

_They usually made love like this, face to face, eye to eye, no masks, all _

_emotions bare for the other to see._

__

_Heero started to thrust slowly, gradually increasing his pace, each time_

_stroking that spot deep inside that sent Duo spiraling toward ecstasy._

_They were both panting, their fast breaths broken by groans and gasps of _

_pleasure.Duo's nails scored Heero's back as he jerked and shuddered._

_With a hoarse shout he arched against him and liquid fire surged between_

_their bodies.Heero hissed at the sharp pain and held the boy as he shook_

_beneath him, in moments Duo felt his shudders as he joined him.Their _

_blood raced through their veins, like fire dancing through their bodies._

**_All those special memories..._**

_The two of them sitting on the deck of the Sweeper's ship, watching the_

_dolphins play in the engine's wake._

_ _

_The two of them attacking an OZ base.Duo cackling with glee as he did_

_his merry 'dance of death'.Wing hovering protectively._

_ _

_The two of them in hiding.Heero bathing Duo when he was racked with_

_fever.Tenderly caring for the gunshot wounds with gentle hands._

_ _

_The two of them making out on the beach after watching the sun set._

_ _

_The two of them looking at the pictures secretly taken by Quatre of the_

_two lovers._

**_Now I bleed for you - burn for me..._**

Duo stared numbly down at his hand.Blood dripped off his fingers to pool on the dingy floorboards.He'd cut it on the glass littering the floor.He picked up the offending shard.It was about three inches long and triangular in shape.The razor-sharp point was stained with his blood.Duo turned it back and forth in the dim light.He imagined cutting along the length of his arm.He had contemplated doing it before, to be done with this miserable existence, done with the war, done with struggling just to survive.

He held the point to the thin skin of his wrist, applying just enough pressure to dimple the skin but not enough to break it.He knelt like that for an eternity, staring at the vein beneath his skin, his hand surprisingly steady."Shit!"He hurled the dagger of glass away from him.He staggered to his feet and stumbled to the bed.Tearing off part of the ratty blanket, he bound his bleeding hand.

**_Perhaps I was just dreaming._**

**_When I think these things had real meaning..._**

_ _

Duo idly peered though al the pictures of him and Yuy.He didn't think the other boy had taken a single one with him."Hmmm, guess I didn't mean as much to you as I thought."He remembered when this one was taken.And this one, he thought Heero was going to kill Quatre when he caught him with the camera, again!The memories rose to the surface of his alcohol-fogged mind.Times when all five pilots were together.Times when war and death were the farthest things from their minds.Times when he and Heero… Cursing, Duo tossed the pictures on the floor.He wrapped his shaking arms around his knees and fought the hot tears burning in his blood-shot eyes."It doesn't matter what Qat says, boys don't cry, boys don't cry."

**_You don't know what I've been through._**

**_Just want to put my love in you..._**

_"Hey, Kid.Ya gotta name?"_

_"No."_

_"I'm Solo.Ya know you're good.Do ya wanna work with me?"_

_"I guess so."_

_"Then we'll come up with a name for ya."_

_"Sorry, Kid.I don think I'm gonna make it this time."_

_"Please, Solo.Don leave me alone."_

_"You're a good kid, Duo.Don't forget that…and don't ya give up.Ya_

_hear me?Survive.Keep fightin'…right up …to the end…Bye, Kid…"_

_"Solo?SOLO?!!"_

***********

_"Welcome to the Maxwell Church."_

_"I don think ya really want me here."_

_"Why is that my son?"_

_"Cuz I'm a trouble-maker."_

_Father Maxwell smiled kindly."Then you'll just keep everyone on _

_their toes, won't you?"_

_"Oh God, no…"Duo stared in morbid fascination.The church was…_

_the church was gone…all that remained was a smoldering pile of rubble._

_But barely an hour ago, the children had been playing.Sister Helen _

_watching their antics indulgently.Father Maxwell praying in the sanctuary._

_Then the men came.He said he'd get the suit for them, didn't he?He_

_never lied.Why did they do this?Where was everyone?Duo threaded_

_his way through the ruins, stepping around the charred corpses of his_

_friends.He swallowed and forced himself to go on, trying not to look at_

_the faces, struggling to keep his stomach where it belonged._

_ _

_Wait, over there, was it, Sister Helen?He knelt by her side, and to his _

_surprise, she opened her eyes.There was so much blood.He lifted her, _

_cradling her in his arms, as she had held him so many times._

_ _

_She smiled as she looked up at him.Her eyes did not condemn him, they_

_held nothing but love.But he didn't deserve such love, he was the cause _

_of their deaths."S..Sister, …can you forgive me?"_

_ _

_Confusion crossed her gentle face."Forgive what?There is nothing…_

_to forgive.Thank God, you're safe…"Her eyes closed as her last _

_breath washed over him._

_ _

_He stared down in horror.How could she be so kind?How could he ever_

_forgive himself?He never should have stayed here, he knew something_

_like this would happen.Something always happened.He was a curse to_

_everyone he loved.He **was Death.He laid her back and stared at his**_

_hands.They were painted crimson with her blood.The blood of the_

_innocents._

***********

_"Hey, you! Pretty boy!You wanna make some quick cash?"Duo_

_paused, uncertain.He didn't really want to get involved in **that, but he **_

_could use the money.Pickings had been slim this week, Hell, this_

_month."I'll give ya some food."That decided it, he was hungry.He _

_followed the man back to his tiny hotel room.The man looked him up_

_and down.The guy was of average height and build, fairly non-descript, his_

_eyes had a hungry look to them that Duo couldn't identify.The man _

_reached out and stroked his cheek.He tried not to shrink away from _

_the gentle touch, and failed miserably.The man frowned slightly."You _

_ever done this before?"He shook his head, no.The man sighed and _

_stroked his cheek again."That's okay.I'll be careful with ya."_

__

_Oh God, it hurt!Even with the stuff the man had rubbed on and in him, it_

_burned.Duo tried to relax, like the man told him to, but it was so hard._

_He felt like he was being torn in two.Tears pricked his eyes, he grit his_

_teeth as the man pushed into him again, and again.Would it ever end?_

_The man started to thrust deeper, harder, his body slamming into Duo's _

_over and over.He had an arm wrapped around Duo's bony hips, _

_preventing any escape as he knelt on his hands and knees, the man_

_pounding into him from behind._

_ _

_"Damn Kid, you're so nice and tight."The man thrust in and pulled out. _

_Duo cried out in pain, tears streaming freely now.Whether the man _

_didn't noticed or just ignored his pain, he didn't stop.It was too much _

_for the boy's already fragile mind to handle.Duo bit his lip and willed _

_his psyche away to a safer place.Awareness faded as he detached, his _

_mind fleeing to a quiet corner where there was no pain, no feeling, just a _

_comforting nothingness._

_ _

_The next morning, the man sat across from him as Duo ate the food he'd_

_been promised. "Now you listen to me, Kid.I'm gonna give you some _

_advice.You're beautiful, with those eyes and that hair.It'll be your _

_blessing and your curse.A blessing because you will be able to use your _

_beauty to keep yourself fed.A curse because everyone is gonna want a _

_piece of ya.You gotta be careful out there.And don't go with anyone _

_who looks dirty or makes you uncomfortable.Some jerks are just plain _

_cruel on purpose.You're pretty enough that you should be able to pick _

_and choose your clients.You gotta knife?"Duo nodded."Good, if you _

_don't want to go with someone you use it.Ya hear me?Here's some _

_food and money to take with ya.For a first-timer you were a real good _

_fuck.See ya around, Kid."_

**_Love eternal, lust infernal..._**

"You were my first love, Yuy.Oh, I'd been fucked a lot.I was…I am….damn good at it.But you were the first one I made love to.Was it 'love' for you?Nah, not for the 'perfect soldier' Heero Yuy.You don't even know what love is.I was just an easy lay.A chance for some recreation and stress relief.Well, that's it.I told myself a while ago that I was done working the streets.I practically whored myself to you and you didn't even pay me.No more.No more love, it hurts too much.Fuck you, Yuy!"

**_Bleeding, burning, needing, yearning..._**

He noticed absently that his hand had bled through the makeshift bandage.He watched his blood gather and then drip.Gather and drip.He picked up a picture of the two of them and sighed.He wanted to be rid of all the memories.Dropping the photo, he walked over and grabbed a candle.Setting it and a broken plate on the floor, he picked up the picture again.He took a deep breath and touched a corner to the flame.He watched as first his and then Heero's face burned to ash.He dropped the burning picture onto the small plate.He waited for the photo burn out and then grabbed another one. 

**_I see your face in every flame..._**

One by one the pictures disappeared, each one dying a fiery death.It seemed as if the piercing cobalt eyes were always the last to disappear.Each face sending little daggers into his soul.His cut hand still dripped crimson blood, staining the pictures before they burned.He found himself hypnotized by the dancing flame.How long he sat communing with the fire, he didn't know.Duo suddenly realized that the alcohol was finally catching up with him.He struggled to his feet, listing to the side and falling.He pushed himself up and staggered to the cot, collapsing across it.

Unnoticed was the candle that had been knocked over when he fell.The flame flickered, spluttered, and nearly went out.Then it caught and grew stronger; fed by the pictures still scattered across the wooden floor.The growing fire quickly consumed the photos and started burning the other trash.Thick, choking smoke started to gather as the fire spread rapidly.Drunk and dead to the world, Duo coughed and hacked, but did not wake.He rolled over as the cabin started to heat up.

**_With no answers, I have only myself to blame..._**

"Are you sure this is the right way?"Trowa simply nodded as the blond boy asked the question for about the ten-millionth time.

"The tracking device I put on Maxwell's motorcycle led us out here.This is the only road, so we have to be getting close."

"Cabin."Trowa nodded toward the left.

"See, there's his bike."

"Tro, Wu, do you smell smoke?"Trowa hit the brakes throwing gravel everywhere.Quatre tore off the seat belt and jumped out."Oh, Allah!Duo?!"Flames were dancing around the windows and starting to lick the roof.Quatre clutched at his chest and rushed toward the burning cabin."**Duo?!"Wufei and Trowa passed him and leapt up the steps to the door.**

"Locked."Tro stepped back and Wu kicked it in.They paused, shielding their faces from the heat.Fire was everywhere, reflecting off the glass scattered across the floor. Trowa pointed toward the right.Duo's seemingly lifeless body was sprawled across a narrow cot.By some miracle neither the bed nor its occupant was touched by the flames.The two pilots rushed in as Quatre reached the door.Wufei helped haul Duo's limp, unresponsive body onto the taller boy's back.Fire danced all around them.Quatre was screaming at them, his words lost in the roaring of the fire.They headed for the open door and safety; the Chinese boy trying to shield their unconscious friend as Hell rained down around them.With a groan and a muffled crash, the rickety cabin collapsed.

Of all the men I have known - 

**_They're not you, so I'd rather be alone... _**

Awareness reasserted itself slowly.The light hurt his eyes and he moaned softly.He had an absolutely pounding headache.He stared at the stars decorating the backs of his eyelids and rated this as the worst hangover of his entire life.He thought he smelled smoke.The sheets covering him were clean and soft though.That didn't fit with the last memories he possessed.He forced himself to open his eyes, realizing that he was no longer in that dingy little cabin."Huh?"

"Duo?Are you awake?"Quatre's voice was very quiet, just in case he wasn't really waking up.The smaller boy was always so considerate, he made a good leader.

"Yeah, I'm awake.I wish I wasn't."He heard a soft gasp and looked up to see Quatre's concerned face leaning over his.The blond looked very tired.There were shadows under his eyes and the turquoise orbs themselves seemed dull."Where am..?"Duo started to cough.

"Easy."The little blond helped him sit up against the headboard and handed him a cup of water."You're back at the safehouse."Duo looked at this injured hand, the blanket was gone, someone had bandaged it properly.He glanced up to see Quatre looking at him strangely."You cut it."It wasn't a question, more like an accusation.

"Yeah, on some glass.It was an accident."He started to cough again."Why *hack* …am I *cough*…coughing?…And why does *hack* …my hair *cough* …smell like smoke?"

Quatre tilted his head."You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"*hack*

"What is the last thing you do recall?"

"Well I was drinking, *cough*…but I suppose you know that."The Arab nodded, he didn't look happy."Yeah, yeah, I know, drinking won't solve my problems.*hack* Anyway, I was drinking, and looking at all the pictures of me and Yuy."The blond pilot didn't miss the bitter tone in Duo's voice."I decided to get rid of them, *cough*…so I grabbed a candle and started to burn them."The blue eyes widened.

"Did you burn all of them?"Duo was surprised at the intensity in his voice.

"No.I don't think so.I got tired and went to bed.*cough* Why?"

"The cabin burned down."

"**What?!"**

"It burned down, to the ground.When we got there it was on fire.We barely got you out before it collapsed.Tro and Wu…"He voice trailed off.Duo felt icy fingers clamp around his heart.

"Are they?"Quatre looked up and saw the fear in the violet eyes.

"Oh!They'll be okay.Tro just had some smoke inhalation, same as you.That's why you keep coughing.Wu got a burn on his arm trying to protect you while they were carrying you out, but it's not too bad."His face got very serious; he bit his lower lip nervously."You didn't... didn't do it on purpose... did you?"Duo was puzzled, and then realized what Quatre was getting at.

"NO!Hell no!I don't know how the fire started, but I swear it wasn't on purpose.I don't do suicide."The Arabian burst into tears and threw his arms around Duo.

"Oh, Duo.I was so worried.I was afraid you tried to kill yourself.You've been so depressed, I just…"The boy's voice was nearly hysterical.

"Shhh.It's okay, Qat."He held the smaller pilot close, and kissed the top of his head.He rocked the obviously overtired and distraught boy.Quatre had been so incredibly patient and supportive.The smaller pilot had been running himself ragged trying to look out for Duo, not stopping to care for himself.The American gave himself a good mental kick.He'd never considered how his dark mood was affecting the little blond he loved like a brother./Quatre is so sensitive to others feelings.You're killing him with this.Duo no baka!I've gotta pull myself out of this before I hurt him anymore. /

"Qat?Quatre, are you listening to me?I promise something like this won't happen again."

"Do you really mean that?I know you don't lie, but you are really good at stretching the truth."The boy mumbled into Duo's chest.

"Yeah, Qat, I mean it."

**_No more nights of blood and fire. _**

-sin sin, tis done-

I know, it doesn't really resolve itself here either.Next is side story 1, A Good Day to Die.

- Writing this one just solidified the fact that I like to torture Duo.But he's such an easy target.Don't worry; I'll get to the others eventually.the demented faerie cackles evilly from her perch on the monitor"Leannan Sidhe, don't you dare knock off Sandrock and Deathscythe!"They're only the toys; I don't trust her with my models.My cat, Aiko, seems determined to do those in.*sigh*


	3. A Good Day to Die (sidestory 1)

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc****

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing fanfic

Usual disclaimers apply.G-boys and Relena aren't mine.The song mentioned is 'Lift the Wings' from Riverdance.

Warnings: angst, Relena-sympathetic, AU, OOCness

/ character thoughts /

Author's Note: This sidestory takes place around the same time as "Too Late: Frozen".

Sidestory 1: A Good Day to Die

AC196: Winter

"Aaaaaiiee!!"For a moment, Relena wasn't sure if she had screamed out loud or just in her dream.She sat, bolt upright in her bed, listening.All she could hear was her own ragged breathing.Since no one was currently breaking down her door, she figured she hadn't screamed aloud.But that knowledge was of scant comfort.She cradled her head in her shaking hands, trying to calm her pounding heart.The silk sheets were twisted around her body and she'd managed to kick off the feather blanket again.Relena wiped the mingled sweat and tears from her face with a trembling hand.

The dreams were getting worse, there was no denying it.This was the fourth night in a row.She peered around her room with haunted eyes./Such a pretty prison, my gilded cage. /Relena had no illusions about her situation.She was a pawn, simple as that.She also had no illusions as to what would happen to her when she outlived her usefulness.Hence her nightmares.

She considered trying to go back to sleep./Why bother? /She shrugged and untangled her legs from the twisted silk.She sighed as she drew on a robe.Morpheus wasn't going to be visiting her again anytime soon.She padded silently to the heavily curtained French doors leading to the balcony.She pulled back the drape with one still-shaking hand.The snow that had been falling for most of the day had stopped.The waning moon shone coldly on the frozen garden.The stars had that frosty sharpness that one only sees on the coldest and clearest of winter nights.

She was standing so close to the glass that she could feel the cold seeping in.The panes started to fog over from her breath.Relena leaned closer and exhaled, obscuring the whole panel.She made a small clear hole with her finger, just like she used to do in the frost as a child.She peered out through the magic gate, looking at the winter faerieland./So pretty on the outside, just like my life.I mean, who wouldn't want to be treated like a queen?Ah yes, 'Queen of the World'.Trapped with in her own palace like Rapunzel in her tower.Only there's no prince coming for me.This wing is quiet, it must be very late, or very early, same difference.It would be nice to wake up for once and have someone nearby. /

Relena pulled the curtain shut again.She crossed the room to the banked fireplace, unerringly avoiding various articles of furniture and other obstacles.How many times had she restlessly wandered about this room?Too many to keep track of that's for sure.Kneeling before the fireplace, she poked at the sleeping embers and added more wood.Relena curled up in her favorite chair and stared into the flickering flames.

/I'm so lonely.I feel like I'm always alone, even in a crowd.If I was inclined to make friends here, I can't.It wouldn't be safe, for either of us.I'm so tired, tired of always being on my guard, of the distance I have to maintain.It's exhausting, playing the games day in and day out.I would gladly trade all the jewels, the adoration, the fame; for one decent friend.Just to see **one friendly face everyday.Dorothy's pseudo-kindness doesn't count.I don't trust that girl any farther than I can throw her, which wouldn't be far, not with that hair. /**

Relena closed her eyes, mind casting back a year and more./Oh Father, I used to think your job was so exciting.Traveling, meeting new people, going to all those functions.Well, here I am.Your little girl is 'Queen of the World', and all I do is get dressed up and shown off like some porcelain doll.At least you didn't know you were going to be killed.Sometimes I think it is only a matter of time for me. 

/I always thought it would be Heero pulling the trigger.He certainly pointed the gun at me enough times.I wonder where he is now.I haven't thought about him for months.I hope he's doing better than me.Wonder if he's learned to talk yet?In words of more than one syllable that is.I hope he's wearing something warmer than those tanktops and spandex.I wonder if Maxwell's lost his smile.And Quatre, I hope he's doing better.He looked so lost last time I saw him.Wish I knew if they ever found Trowa. Speaking of someone who needs to learn to talk.And Wufei, I'm curious to know if anyone's taken him down a peg or two yet.I'm really not being fair to him, I did kind of make a nuisance of myself.

/How did I manage to lose everything that was so important to me in such a short period of time?Not that any of the pilots were ever really my friends.But compared to the people here at Romafeller, they're veritable soulmates.I must have driven them nuts, showing up all the time the way I did.I made such an idiot of myself.Ah, the good old days.This all started that day I found him on the beach.I wonder if I would have done anything differently, knowing how this would all turn out?I'm just marking my time here.Till I cease to be convenient that is.Then Dermail will find another and I will be quietly removed in a 'tragic accident'. /She snorted./They probably think I haven't figured this out yet.Dorothy is the only one who doesn't underestimate me.

/Oh, Heero.I was such a fool.I **am such a fool.Is my dream just naïve on my part?Oh well, it's a nice fantasy, keeps me company on these long, lonely nights.Odd to think of you as my shelter, when all you would say to me was, 'omae o korosu'.How weird.I thought you were so determined to kill me.At least with you I knew where I stood.Here…it's all games.Guessing and second-guessing.Trying to outmaneuver others without letting them flank you.You probably wouldn't believe me, but there is as much strategy in negotiating the ballroom as on the battlefield.Our weapons are a little different is all.**

/I wonder if you Gundam pilots ever feel like this?Out there, on the front lines, with no support, no allies except each other.How much of what you do is dictated to you, I wonder?Are you pawns too?We're all pawns I think, but I'm not quite sure exactly **who is pulling all the strings.Well, I think I know who is pulling mine, at least.**

/Sometimes I feel like I'm made of water.Dermail pours me into a mould and I take whatever form he gives me.I don't like it, but it's kept me alive so far.Water may seem weak, but gather enough of it together, and get it moving fast enough; and the gentle stream can wash away anything in its path.Look out, Dermail.Give me enough time and there won't be **anything left of Romafeller when I'm done!If I can stay alive long enough.**

/How fragile my existence is. / *sigh* /Stop dwelling.It'll only depress you.As if I need help.It's winter.I must be seasonal affective or something.Everything is so cold, just like the people here.Pretty, perfect on the outside, a mask hiding the ugliness underneath.I don't think I'll ever be warm again. /She closed her eyes and drew the throw down from the back of the chair.Relena curled up under its comforting warmth.It was one on the few things she had from home.She'd had it a long time.Her 'mother' said that 'father' had wrapped it around her when he fled the Sank kingdom.It was the only token she had.She cast her mind back, trying to remember something, anything, of her birth parents./Nothing.

/All I ever desired was a 'normal' life.Was that too much to ask?Of course I didn't know what 'normal' was until I got into this mess.All I wanted was to meet a nice boy and have a good life.Go into politics like father, have a career.Now here I am, 'Queen of the World', you'd think it was a fairytale.Only in this one, I don't get to live 'happily-ever-after'.I might not live at all.There is no prince, only five knights who might just leave me here.No, Quatre at least will come for me.He's too caring not to.It might have been nice to find a prince though.

/How long can one survive without love?Without a kind word?The body survives, but can the soul?Even if they don't kill me, how long before I am as bitter and cynical as Dorothy?How does that song go? _'How can the heart survive?Can it stay alive?If it's love's denied for long?'Can I survive?Can my dreams survive?Is there anyone to pick up my torch, or will it be extinguished forever?_

/I don't think I can do this alone, not anymore.I'm in way over my head here.I was willing to give up my freedom, even my life, for my people.Now I feel as though I am responsible for the entire world.I've lost nearly everything.But I refuse to roll over and be Dermail's good little puppet.They put me in this position because they knew the people would love me.I'm young, pretty, with a tragic past, and I say exactly what they want to hear.The people love the 'Queen', but does anyone love 'Relena'?Oh, Heero.I wonder if you love me?Even just a little.Will you come help me?Will anyone help me?**Can anyone save me now?My time is definitely running out.Dermail wasn't happy with my little speech at the council meeting yesterday.Too many of 'his' supporters are coming around to my way of thinking.Well, I may not survive this, but I'll do my best to undermine Romafeller from within while I am here.**

/Find me, please!Any of you.Even Wufei. I'll put up with him calling me 'onna' in that condescending way of his for the rest of my life, if he would get me out of here.What if they didn't get my message?I don't know if I dare risk sending another.I was so afraid Dermail would trace the first one.Oh, I don't care if he traces it to me.He'll just kill me.But if he traced the message to the pilots…

/Heero could handle Dermail.I don't think there is a situation that Maxwell couldn't talk his way out of.Then again, he's just as likely to talk his way into more trouble.But he's a survivor.I don't know Wufei or Trowa well enough, but I suppose they can take care of themselves.But if Dermail got a hold of Quatre, I could never forgive myself.He's **not weak; he's just…he's Quatre. He's like a little brother you don't want to see get hurt.Unfortunately, he's the one most likely to come for me. /**

Relena got up and wandered back to her bed.She needed to sleep; she had an early bout with the council and then a full slate of meetings.She pulled the bedding back into some semblance of neatness and lay down.She curled up with her blanket, seeking comfort in its well-worn and familiar presence./I wonder if Dermail will kill me today?Would I become a martyr?If it would end this war, then today would be a good day to die. /

-sin sin, tis done-

Poor, poor Relena.Pick up the story line again in Parting Ways.

- This is a somewhat odd little fic, I don't usually like Relena.It started out as a songfic, but the song wasn't working so I took it out and this was the result.But if you think this sidestory is weird, wait till you see the next one...


	4. Part 3 Parting Ways

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.I don't own the G-boys, but I wouldn't mind renting them out for a while.The song was written by some good friends of mine.Thanks to John and Cheri for writing such wonderful music.And an apology in advance to all the 3x4 lovers out there…

Warnings:angst, kinda sad, maybe a little sap, OOCness, AU

/ character thoughts /

Part 3: Parting Ways

**_"Here I Am"_****by ****Gypsy Red**

copyright 1999 Strong Horse White

AC 196: Late Winter

So the moment had finally come.They'd been leading up to this for months.They both knew it was going to happen, they'd just been putting it off.They'd been going through the motions of their relationship, trying to hold on to something that had been lost a long time ago.Clinging to each other because it was better then being alone.But they were beyond that now, and they couldn't put this off any longer.

**_Here I am, eyes so blue._**

**_What do you see, when I look at you, _**

**_right now?..._**

/What do you say?What do you say when you can't be together anymore?'I'm sorry.''Forgive me.''Its too bad this had to happen.'Nothing sounds right.Nothing **is right.Those little platitudes people mouth when a relationship ends, they're meaningless!**

/I've always been the talkative one.So why can't I find anything to say?Maybe I just shouldn't say anything at all.No.I have to say something.I don't want it to end like this.He is my first love.Not crush.Love.Koi.Amor.Gra.Love.I found a way to slip past those walls he'd built around himself.I'd found the way to his soul.And 'Allah be praised,' he let me in.

/So what went wrong?What happened along the way that had brought us to this point?Everything.And nothing.I don't think either of us did anything wrong.I don't blame him, and I don't blame myself.Life happens. /

**_Here I am, on my own._**

**_Standing alone, standing alone..._**

"You will always be in my heart, Trowa."

**_Here I am, eyes so green._**

**_What do you see, when you look at me,_**

**_right now?..._**

/What's he thinking?Does he have regrets?I don't.Not a single one.That might surprise the others, but not him.He knows me, sometimes better than I know myself.How could I regret what we had?What we have?There is still something between us.Is it love?Probably.I didn't really know love until I met him.He taught me about love.And compassion.And mercy.And a myriad of other gentler emotions that my life till then had never shown me.

/Oui, there is still love between us.But it's not enough.I've seen too much, done too much.He sees the good in people first; me, I see the dark.That's because I am dark, darker than him at least.He still has a soul.I'm not sure I ever did.I don't know how he has held on to it, doing the things we all have to do.And I don't know if it will survive this war, even if he does.But I am afraid that if we stay together, I will be the one to destroy what innocence is left.For that, I could never forgive myself.

/So does that make me a coward?Peut-etre. [Maybe]But at least that is something I can live with.People think I don't have emotions.They're wrong.I feel, I just keep it private.It is a self-defense mechanism, keeps my emotions from being used against me.But I'm a good observer, and I don't say things that aren't important or meaningful. /

**_Here I am, on my own._**

**_Standing alone, standing alone..._******

"And you will always carry the keys to my soul, Quatre."

**_Here I am, eyes so gray._**

**_What do you see, when I walk away,_**

**_right now?..._**

_ _

They hug one last time.Trowa can feel the smaller boy trembling, fighting back the tears.With a deep breath, Quatre pushes away and their eyes meet.

"Take care of yourself."His blue eyes are sincere.

"Vous aussie."[You too.]Quatre turns to walk away."I'll see you at the safehouse, after your mission?"Trowa's voice is hopeful.Quatre stops and smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Yes.I'll be there."

"Do you think we could play together?If you're up to it that is?"

"I'd like that."This time his smile was for real.Trowa watches Quatre walk away and climb into the cockpit of Sandrock.He waves a hand before closing the hatch.Trowa waves back and shades his eyes with his hand.He watches as the Gundam powers up and then disappears in the distance.As he lowers his hand, he brushes away the single tear coursing down his cheek.

**_Here I am, on my own._**

**_Standing alone, standing alone._**

_ _

_ _

-sin sin, tis done -

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.BUT… I actually wrote this one a while ago, before most of the rest of the arc.I liked it so much I worked it in.I really wanted to write a 'break-up' story, in which the characters behaved in a mature and reasonable manner for a change.Plus, much as I like Tro and Qat together, I have different plans in store for them.Next in the story arc is Quatre the Matchmaker.


	5. Part 4 Quatre the Matchmaker

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing fanfic

Standard disclaimers apply.I do not have any claim on the G-boys, sigh! I am a poor substitute teacher, so please don't sue me, trust me, I have nothing you want.

Warnings: 3x2/2x3, yaoi, lemon, and minor sap (sorry, couldn't help it), OOCness, AU, PWP with glimpses of a plot.

/character thoughts /

Part 4: Quatre the Matchmaker

AC 196: Early Spring

"This is really nice Tro, thanks for lighting the fire."Duo lounged on the rug in front of the couch.He watched as the other pilot finished adding wood to the flames.Trowa flopped down beside him with the boneless grace of a cat, and brushed his bangs to one side.

"Well, you got us this cabin."

"Yeah, but Qat kinda helped me out with that."Duo rolled over onto his stomach, chin on his hands, bare feet kicking in the air.The corner of Trowa's mouth twitched, nearly smiling.At times like these, Duo looked more like a little kid instead of the God of Death.The braided pilot rolled his violet eyes up to look at his companion.Trowa stared at the flickering flames, face impassive as ever."You never told me what happened between you and Qat.I was a little surprised when he helped me set this up."

The acrobat shrugged, his eyes glowing amber in the firelight."We came to the conclusion that our relationship wasn't good for either of us."

Duo rolled back on his side and shook his head."I'm sorry man, I thought you two really loved each other."

Trowa's response was nearly lost to the crackle of the fire."We do."

The braided boy looked at him sharply."Then why?"  
Trowa dropped his eyes, intensely studying his toes and Duo could see the pain and loss in the typically stoic pilot."I could not destroy his innocence.In spite of all we have done, Quatre has somehow managed to retain his soul.I don't know that I have.Eventually I would have hurt him, and I don't think I could have forgiven myself for that."

"So you let him go."

"It was the only thing I could do for him."The two pilots lay in silence for a while, hypnotized by the dancing flames.But the silence was a companionable one, not at all uncomfortable.

"Did you notice how protective Heero has become of him?And how Wu seems to always be watching him when he thinks no one is looking?"Duo finally asked.

A ghost of a smile crossed Trowa's pensive face."I was counting on it."

"Huh?"

"Quatre needs to have someone to watch and fuss over.Heero needs someone to take care of; he likes to 'adopt' people.And Wufei needs someone other than Treize.They will protect Quatre without smothering him.Besides," Trowa stretched and leaned back against the couch."Heero and Wu both know that if they let Quatre get hurt they'll get a little visit from me."Trowa pulled the other boy closer, resting the braided head in his lap.Duo stared up, and was surprised by the half-smile that graced his friend's face, hair falling away so that both eyes were actually visible."So, Quatre helped set this up?"

"Yeah.I noticed that the two of you weren't really doing things together anymore.So, I asked him what he thought you might like to do with our time off since the cease-fire seems to be holding.He suggested we come up here. Do you like it?"

"Oui.He knows I love this place very much.It so far away from everything."

Duo closed his eyes."Not far enough."

"What do you mean?"  
Duo sighed and sat up, looking away from Trowa."Nothing."He felt a hand grip his shoulder and looked at his friend.The acrobat tilted his head his concern showing in his eyes.

"Duo, what's wrong?You've been unusually quiet all day.Did you want to go somewhere else?"

"No.It's not that."The American shrugged, hunching over, arms clasping his knees."I just keep thinking about how the war is waiting for us.I doubt this lull will last."He rocked on his tailbone, staring into the fire; his eyes and voice were haunted."And with everything that happened on that last mission…"

Arms suddenly wrapped about him. Duo stiffened and started to speak."Shhhh..."Trowa's hand gently cupped his chin, finger stilling Duo's lips."Don't think about it.It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault."

"But…"

"Duo let it go, at least for now.You can worry about it later.Enjoy what little free time we have.You said it yourself, the war will be waiting."He gently rubbed the other boy's shoulders, the muscles felt like twisted ropes.He hissed sympathetically."You're so tense, it must be painful.Lay down and take off your shirt."Trowa reached out a long arm and fished around in his bag.He pulled out a bottle of massage oil.The American pilot just sat there staring at him.Trowa arched one elegant eyebrow, the one that was visible anyway."Are you going to take the shirt off or will I have to?"Duo grumbled but did as he was ordered.

The acrobat poured a small amount of the oil into his palm, warming it before running his hands along the other pilot's back.The gentle scent of sandalwood wafted through the cabin.Duo sighed as strong hands kneaded his aching muscles.Those marvelous hands stopped, and the American started to sit up.The hands on his shoulders gently forced him to lie back down.

"I just need to take off my shirt, I'm too warm."Duo lay back down, ordering himself to relax.But his body refused to listen./I've been on the front line for too long. /He was jumpy; his nerves were strung as tight as the strings of Qat's violin./Or Wu-man's hair. / He thought with a smile.Trowa returned, leaning over to whisper in Duo's ear. "Relax." The low, soft voice brought a sudden warmth to his body./Whoa, what's this?Trowa's just a friend, isn't he? /The taller pilot straddled Duo's narrow waist and began to work again.

Under the acrobat's skilled hands Duo finally felt the tense muscles ease.As his back unknotted so did his mind.The guilt and worry he had been dragging around for the last several weeks ebbed and then released him.He just let his awareness drift.He felt sleep tugging at the edge of his thoughts.Soon he was only conscious of the warmth of the fire, the scent of sandalwood mingling with smoke, and the touch of Trowa's hands.He hoped it would never end, that nothing would ever take away those wonderful hands. He dozed, relishing in the sensual feel of another's touch.

He sensed it when Trowa got up, and heard movement around the cabin.Somehow, he summoned up enough energy to lift his head.Trowa had turned off all the lights.The only illumination was the golden glow of the fire.The acrobat returned setting the blanket he was carrying on the couch.He laid a hand gently on Duo's shoulder and went to tend the flames.

Duo turned on his side and watched Trowa in the firelight.He had always found the quiet boy attractive.But now he had to admit to himself that it was more than just attraction.He loved Trowa.He had thought there would never be anyone else after breaking up with Heero.Their relationship had burned bright, then flickered and died even faster than Trowa and Quatre's had.He suddenly realized that they were miles from the nearest living soul.No one was waiting for them, and they certainly weren't expecting any company.They were completely alone.The thought alone was enough to set Duo's blood afire, and remind him how long it had been since he'd...

He lay there, admiring the lithe boy before him.Trowa was stripped to the waist, the light playing over his body.The muscles were firm, taut under the fire-bronzed skin.He was only wearing a tight pair of jeans.They hugged his slender form as he knelt before the fire.

"Tro…you're beautiful."

He turned and smiled, really smiled at Duo."So are you."He poked at the coals one last time and then knelt beside the other boy. "Don't move.There's something I've been wanting to do."Duo felt a slight tug and then the feather-light touch of his braid being unraveled.Soon his hair spilled in soft waves about him.Trowa ran his fingers through the silky mass.Duo heard a rustling and then the weight left his back as Trowa ran a brush through the chestnut mass.He sighed in contentment; no one had touched his hair in the long months of his and Heero's estrangement, except for that one time with Quatre.He so loved having his hair brushed.After many minutes, Trowa set the brush aside and gently kissed the back of Duo's head."Merci, I've wanted to do that for a very long time."

Duo rolled onto his back, staring up at Trowa.The taller pilot was reclining beside him, chin braced on one hand."Tro, I…"

"I know."

"But you still love Qat."

"Oui.And part of me always will.We are still friends.Sometimes we may even still be lovers.But as a couple, it just wasn't meant to be.I realize now that I love you, too."

Duo smiled, it was a bright ray of sunshine that had always touched Trowa's heart.The American shook his head and laughed."Do you suppose Quatre knew how we felt when we didn't even know ourselves?I mean this was all his idea; just the two of us, in a cabin, out in the middle of nowhere."

Trowa smiled and chuckled himself."I wouldn't put it past him.Quatre the Match-maker."His hand idly stroked Duo's hair.The boy turned his head and softly kissed Trowa's palm.The acrobat smiled and leaned over to capture Duo's mouth with his own.

The kiss started simply as a soft pressing of lips, as each tried to decide how far they were willing to go.Duo's parted lips invited Trowa's invading tongue as the kiss deepened.Soon, kisses weren't enough.

Trowa's tongue traced the curve of Duo's chin, sending shivers down the boy's body.He captured an ear, gently sucking on it and was rewarded with a gasp of pleasure.Always thorough, he retraced the American's jaw and leaned over his slender chest to suck at the earlobe on the other side.Duo squirmed a bit beneath him.Trowa started to kiss his way down the other boy's neck as his hands ran down the smooth skin of his friend's body.He laid a gentle kiss at the hollow of his throat and felt the shiver that ran down Duo's spine.

The American could only submit to the torture for so long.His hands hauled the acrobat's face to his and he hungrily plundered that beautiful mouth with his own.He struggled to sit up and felt strong hands help him.Without pulling away from those wonderfully sensual lips, Duo tore off what few clothes remained, and then pressed himself fully against Trowa.He wrapped his arms around the other boy and rained kisses upon that perfect body.He felt his soon-to-be lover's breath quicken as he too became caught up in the passion between them.The green-eyed pilot moaned very softly and it was too much.Duo pulled back and tugged at the jeans."Off!" he growled.

Trowa chuckled and sat on the edge of the couch, his hands busy with the fastenings of his pants.He watched the other boy from behind his hair.Duo looked absolutely sinful.He was sitting back on his heels, silhouetted by the fire.His hair flowed around him, pooling on the floor, the flames coloring the silky strands with shades of red and gold.His body was perfectly toned and reminded Trowa of the picture of a Greek statue he had seen.His heart-shaped face was flushed with passion and though his back was to the fire, his eyes seemed to glow.Trowa was taking his time, teasing the youth before him.Duo growled again.The acrobat laughed and pulled the jeans off with a quick jerk.

Duo launched himself at the taller boy and pinned him to the couch.His mouth and hands roamed that lithe body at will.He fastened his mouth on one delicate nipple.He was rewarded with a moan of pleasure and then Trowa's hands buried themselves in his hair, holding him to his chest.He lapped first at one nipple and then the other coaxing them into stiff peaks of arousal.Trowa ran his hands down the other boy's muscular back, lightly scratching the skin.Duo hissed and arched his back.Trowa took the opportunity to assault the beautiful throat that was so available.Duo collapsed on top of him, panting for breath.The acrobat smiled ferally, and then tumbled the two of them off the couch.They ended up sprawled in front of the fire, the shorter boy on his back with Trowa very firmly on top.

Trowa used all his weight to pin the other boy to the floor."How far do you want this to go, Duo?" he said breathing heavily."What do you want?"Duo was having a hard time just catching his breath, let alone trying to speak.The acrobat lowered his mouth and lightly licked his lover's chest.The boy beneath him jerked but Trowa didn't release his grip on the slender wrists. "What do you want?"The green-eyed pilot asked again.

"I want you inside me, Tro."The taller boy nodded and released him.Duo promptly hauled the other's face close to his.They stared at each other, eyes only inches apart."I want you inside me, but next round, you're mine!"Trowa smiled and nodded again.Duo pulled his lover down, wanting to feel his body stretched out on top of his.The acrobat settled between his legs and their throbbing sexes touched for the first time.Duo very nearly came right then, it had been such a long time since he'd been loved.

Trowa pushed himself up on strong arms and knelt between those willing thighs.He picked up that convenient bottle of massage oil, which Quatre had insisted he bring along, and once again poured it into his hands.He anointed his aching shaft while Duo watched, breathlessly anticipating the pleasure/pain to come.Trowa gently prepped his lover, reminding himself that it had been a while for both of them."You ready?"Duo nodded his assent and told himself to relax.He hissed, hands clenched into fists as Trowa impaled him with one slow, steady push.The acrobat froze and one hand brushed the tear from Duo's cheek."You alright?"

"Yeah…just give me a minute."Trowa supported his weight on his elbows giving him time to adjust to his invasion.He brushed the bangs from his love's face and very gently kissed him.Duo's legs wrapped around his waist and he nipped at the taller boy's neck.With a groan Trowa's mouth descended, his tongue thrusting slowly in time with his hips.Duo moaned into his lover's mouth and clutched at the acrobat.He continued with his slow, sweet intrusion, the measured thrusts gradually building the fires between them.But Duo was impatient; he wanted more, now!He dug his fingers into the taller pilot's back and pushed hard against him.Trowa looked down, eyes questioning.Duo's face was flushed his eyes burning with need."Please." He panted. "I need you now!You don't have to be so careful with me."

"But I might hurt you."

"You won't.I've been used worse before.Take me, Trowa!Please!"His voice was desperate.He bucked beneath him, driving the other pilot deeper inside. "Fuck me Tro, just fuck me!"With a groan the acrobat surrendered, he ceased to hold back.Thrusts became more forceful, almost frantic as both youths gave in to the urgent need that overtook them.The give and take of their lovemaking wasn't gentle as they ground into each other.Duo's member was trapped between them, teased by the friction of the two writhing bodies.

With a hoarse cry, Duo came, exploding between the two lovers.He clenched down on Trowa, pushing the acrobat over the edge.With a shout of his own he poured his seed deep inside the tight body of his love.Suddenly exhausted, he collapsed on top across Duo's chest, spent.It was several minutes before he was able to roll to the side instead of crushing the boy beneath him.Finally his breathing started to slow, his heart pounding less wildly.He opened his eyes to see violet ones staring down at him.

"How do you feel, koi?"

"Very, very good."

Duo smiled wickedly."That's good to hear…"

Much later, the light of the dying fire flickered over the entwined bodies of the two lovers.Duo rested his head against his koibito's strong chest.Trowa played with a strand of hair.

"Do you want to go to bed?"A low voice whispered in Duo's ear.

"Do we** have to?"**

He felt more than heard Trowa's chuckle."No, we can stay right here if you want."

"Good.'Cause I don't think I can move."Trowa laughed again and reached up behind him.He grabbed the blanket he had brought over earlier and pulled it over them both.He wrapped his long arms around the other boy.Duo snuggled back against him with a sigh.

"I love you, Tro."

"Je t'aime."

-sin sin, tis done-

- Step one, complete.Moving on to step two, with a short stop at sidestory two, Who I Am.I wrote this one for Shoori who favors 2x3, since you don't find them too often, at least, not good ones.This is actually the first one I wrote in the arc and I wrote the rest of the stories around it.Maybe eventually I will also post the picture that goes with this story, it's the type you take down when your mother comes to visit.^_~


	6. Sidestory 2 Who I Am

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.I don't have any real claims on the G-bys or anyone else mentioned in this fic, I don't want to give it away.But I honestly have no idea where this one came from.The song used is, "I Don't Know Who I Am", from Jekyll and Hyde, by Bricusse and Wildhorn.

Warnings: angst, OOCness (really OOC, it is odd), AU

/character thoughts/

Author's Note: This story takes place after Quatre and Matchmaker.

Sidestory 2:Who I Am

AC196: Spring

With the door firmly shut behind her, she could finally give vent to the frustration that had been building in her all day.She stalked into her bedroom, kicking her shoes in the general direction of the closet.Smiling faintly as one connected with a vase, shattering it.She wondered whose brilliant idea it was to create heels.Whoever it was should have been shot.Must have been a man, only someone with a Y chromosome could have thought of such a thing.She dropped the dress to the floor, not caring if it wrinkled or not.Stockings and bra followed as she rummaged in her drawers for something comfortable.

Far in the back of the bottom drawer, she found what she wanted.She pulled on the old, worn shorts with a sigh of relief.A T-shirt cut into a tanktop was next.He long hair was pulled into a loose ponytail that draped over her shoulder.She felt more like a sixteen-year old, instead of a small adult for a change.She flopped, very unlady-like, into a chair in her sitting room and stared moodily out the window.The sun had just set, but here on the east side of the palace the sky was already the bluish-purple of night.In fact it was dark enough that the glass was acting like a mirror.She looked at her reflection./Gods, I look pissed. /

**_Look at me, and tell me who I am._**

Why I am, what I am… 

/Damn girl, you look like Hell.Stress must be getting to you.Why does 'she' have to be **so damn difficult**?!I'm doing the best I can.Why am I always struggling against a crappy situation?Whose great idea was this anyway?Oh yea, mine. /

**_Call me a fool, and it's true I am._**

I don't know who I am… 

/You are such an idiot!What possessed you to come **here**, anyway?Why did you think anything good would come out of this? /She mentally kicked herself./YOU KNEW BETTER!You knew better and you still came.Romafellor can't be trusted.I'm such a fool.I don't know if I can salvage this situation.But what other choice did I have?Dermail backed me into a corner.It probably won't be too long before he starts putting things together, and my blood's not gonna save me.Damn, 'Thea.You're in deep shit this time. /

**_It's such a shame,_**

I'm such a sham… 

She laughed mockingly at herself in the glass./So good at 'the Game'.So used to wearing the mask that you can't even drop it in the presence of the one ally you might have in this pit of vipers.'The Façade.'Absolutely essential for a life at court.The ability to speak, yet say nothing; to smile, without warmth; to flatter, without meaning.I'm so damn sick of it!I've been on display ever since I was five.I wasn't a child, I was a 'little adult'.A doll to dress up and parade before friends and enemies.Is there anything real about me anymore/Or have I become the person I portray?Do I still **play** the role?Or **am** I the role?I don't know anymore. /

No one knows who I am… 

/I miss you, Father.You were the only one who ever understood me.I've spent so much time being who others want me to be, that sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be myself.I'm lonely here.At least in the Sank Kingdom there were people my age.I could at least pretend to have friends.I've spent so much time with adults; I don't know how to relate to kids.Their concerns, desires, dreams; they seem so … juvenile.I guess I just can't understand 'normal' people.'Normal', that's something I've never claimed to be.I enjoy being different.But I would like to have a friend. /

Am I the face of the future?… 

/Can we actually pull this off?Can we create a world where war has no place or purpose?Some conflict is inevitable.'Total Pacifism' isn't really practical, but we should be able to come close.Do we have a chance?A pair of girls and five independent Gundam pilots, can we do it?Are we the ones who will shape our own future? /

Am I the face of the past?… 

/Or are we merely reflections of those who made us what we are?I see it happening with 'Lena.Dermail's got her cowed, or so he thinks.She does what he says, when he says, but… She's doing it by choice, not out of fear.If he knew about that message she sent, she'd already be dead.Luckily, I am much better at hiding her tracks than she is.

/But what about me?Am I still the independent agent I think I am, or is someone else pulling my strings?If we fail, everything will just be worse than before.It'll be like a feudal Middle Ages again, with technology this time.That's a scary prospect. /

Am I the one who must finish last?… 

/So why am **I** always the one playing catch-up?I run around, hiding 'Lena's mistakes.Leaking intel to the Gundam pilots and Treize.Planting rumors to distract Romafellor.And no one knows.How'd I get stuck with this job?I don't mind working behind the scenes.It can be fun.I don't want the glory; just a little appreciation now and then would be nice.Yeah, but even if you told them what you were doing, who'd believe **you**? /

**_Look at me, and tell me who I am._**

Why I am, what I am… 

She tore her eyes from her reflection and looked at the small picture on the table beside her.She was four, and her father was carrying her on his shoulders.They were both laughing./What happened to me?It can't just be your death.What else in my childhood turned me from happy, laughing 'Thea; into cool, cynical Dorothy?**I hate that name!**What possessed my mother to name me, 'Dorothy'?

/Look at me!What am I doing perpetuating this 'holy bitch' image that's been foisted on me?I mean, look at that duel with Heero all those months ago.What was up with that?Come to think of it, he probably was genuinely confused.I think **I** lost the trail of that conversation myself.Gods, that was a long time ago.Like a year.We've been at Romafellor for a year?!How did I end up in such deep shit? /

Will I survive?… 

/I don't know if I'm going to live through this anymore.I see the same thoughts in 'Lena's eyes, when she thinks no one else is watching.If she knew how close she's been a few time… Neither of us is really in any position to do anything about it, not individually at least.And she won't trust me.I would chance running myself, but that would leave her in an even worse situation.I can't do that.I dragged her into this.Wow, guess I do still have a conscience after all.Who would have thought? /

**_Who will give a damn,_**

If no one knows who I am?… 

/Will anyone care what happens to me?Not mother, certainly.She hasn't given a damn about my welfare since I was about twelve.Father is dead.I doubt cousin Treize even remembers me.Grandfather will most likely be the one to issue the execution order.Not that he'll **do** the deed himself, can't soil our lily-white hands now can we?Okay, who else does that leave?Heero?He'd kill me himself.Quatre?Quatre would care.He's probably the only one. /

Nobody knows - … 

She looked out the window, to where the various members of Romafellor were strolling through the reawakening gardens by moonlight.She laughed mockingly."None of you really know me."

Not even you - …

Her eyes settled back on her own reflection."I don't even know myself anymore."She curled up in the chair, hiding her face in the crook of her arm.The hot tears surprised her, as did her complete inability to stifle them.

**_No one knows who I am._**

-sin sin, tis done-

-I actually feel sorry for Dorothy.Never thought I'd say that!Didn't I warn you this would be weird?Blame Leannon Sidhe, it's all her fault.The Pain of Love story arc concludes with "Total Eclipse of the Heart".


	7. Part 5 Total Eclipse of the Heart

The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc

The Pain of LoveA Duo angst story arc__

by Yanagi-sen

Gundam Wing songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.I do not own the G-boys, unfortunately; I also cannot claim the song, they are both owned by their respective creators.If they happen to see this, please don't sue; you'd just be wasting your time.This is the version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" as sung by Bonnie Tyler (the best version ^_~ ).

Warnings: 1x2 (+3), shounen ai, yaoi, lime, angst, OOCness, AU

/ character thoughts /

* dream thoughts *

_dream sequence_

Author's Note: This story takes place a couple of months after "Quatre the Matchmaker".

Conclusion of The Pain of Love story arc.(By the way, is anybody still reading this out there?)__

Part 5:"Total Eclipse of the Heart"

AC 196: Early Summer

_ _

Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit lonely 

**_and you're never coming round... _**

**_Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit tired _**

**_of listening to the sound of my tears..._**

It was so lonely with Tro gone.Normally, Duo would have gone and stayed with Qat or even Wufei till his tall lover got back.But they were both away on missions as well.And as much as Duo wanted, **needed to be with someone, it would be a cold day in Hell before he would darken Heero Yuy's door!It wasn't sex he wanted, just to be held, to be touched, to have another's presence to keep the nightmares at bay.He hated sleeping alone.Resigned, Duo curled up in the center of the bed; hugged his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.**

Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit nervous 

**_that the best of all the years have gone by..._**

**_Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit terrified, _**

**_and then I see the look in your eyes..._**

_ _

Heero was sure that the file he was looking for was on Quatre's desk.He was searching through the blond pilot's papers when a noise caught his attention.He listened; it was coming from the room next door.He was puzzled until he remembered that was Trowa and Duo's room.Come to think of it, he hadn't seen (or heard) much of Duo all week and had nearly forgotten that the other pilot was even around.

He continued ruffling through the papers.That faintly muffled sound was peaking his curiosity./What is that braided baka doing? /Convincing himself it was only for the good of the mission; he put his ear to the wall.Heero jerked back suddenly./Nani?Why is Duo crying? /He'd seen Duo cry a few times, usually after a particularly nasty battle or a nightmare.Heero didn't see it as a weakness, for Duo.They all had their own ways of dealing with the chaos of the war.Heero and Trowa detached, Wufei ranted about justice, Quatre and Duo cried. /But what could the reason be this time?He hasn't had a mission in over a week. /

Locating the file, Heero headed for his room.On a whim he turned back and peeked in on Duo.The boy was curled in the center of the bed, sheet clutched to his bare chest.He seemed to have quieted and had fallen asleep.A few tears still lingered on his lashes.Heero silently shut the door and thought no more of it as he walked back down the hall to his room.

**_Turn around, bright eyes._**

**_Every now and then I fall apart..._**

_*No…NO!…Not again!*Duo knew he was dreaming, and also knew he was powerless to stop it.No matter what he did, the night terrors never let him go till they were good and ready.It was the massacre dream again.It always started the same way.The other children were chasing each other, their laughter floating in the air.Sister Helen was watching them, smiling indulgently at their play.Father Maxwell was in the sanctuary.Life was good, hard, but good.He was happy._

_Then the soldiers came.This was the part Duo always struggled against.This was the part he wanted to change.This was where he wanted so much to wake, and never could.Without someone else to help him, he was trapped.*I can't…not again…don't make me see…*The dream swirled in a cloud of choking smoke and when it cleared… *NO!…please…*But Duo's pleading did nothing to halt the course of the nightmare.The smoke cleared to reveal the charred bodies of his friends; their corpses riddled with bullet holes and shrapnel.The cloying smell of death lay over everything._

_Duo wove his way through the maze of bodies and debris.He tried so hard not to see their faces, not to see them as people, as children he knew.*Oh please…no more…not this… anything but this…*As always his feet led him to the side of Sister Helen.And as always he knelt beside her and lifted her shattered body.Her eyes looked up at his with love."Thank God, you're safe." She said as she died in his arms.He laid her down and stared at his hands, her life's blood painting them scarlet.His mind cringed in horror._

_*No!…NO!…**NOOOOOOO!***_

_ _

_ _

**_Turn around, bright eyes. _**

**_Every now and then I fall apart..._**

He hit the floor with a loud thump, but he still couldn't fully wake.Everything went dark.He felt utterly alone.Sweat poured off his body, his breath came in tortured gasps.His heart pounded in his chest.His unbound hair stuck to his damp skin.He rolled onto his knees, hugging himself.He shook with terror.He couldn't move, couldn't speak.His mind shrieked but his body stubbornly refused to wake.All he could manage, was rock in the moonlight.

Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit restless 

**_and I dream of something wild... _**

**_Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit helpless _**

**_and I'm lying like a child in your arms..._**

"**NOOOOOO!"**

Heero surged to his feet, pulling his gun."DUO?!"He was more than a little concerned at the scream that had rent the night.He heard a loud thump, and then silence.He rushed down the hall to the other pilot's room, his mind painting a horrible picture of an intruder and Duo's lifeless body on the floor. He barged through the door, nearly tearing it off its hinges, and froze.Kneeling in a pool of moonlight was Duo, rocking, his hair flowing around him wildly.He was wearing only a pair of silk boxers.His mouth was open, but no sound came out.His eyes slid up to meet Heero's.

It was the look in them that really scared the Japanese boy, for the Duo he knew simply wasn't there.He'd had seen that look before.His friend's mind was trapped in his own tortured memories.The gun clattered to the floor.Heero was powerless to stop himself as he rushed in and knelt beside the boy.He gathered his friend into his arms.As he touched the shaking pilot, it was as if a switch had been thrown.Duo collapsed against him, wracking sobs and tortured screams tearing through his small body. 

_ _

Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit angry 

**_and I know I've gotta get out and cry... _**

**_Turn around.Every now and then I get a little bit terrified _**

**_and then I see the look in your eyes..._**

Heero knelt, shocked, he didn't know what to do.His training hadn't covered psychological trauma.In fact, his mind was telling him to just leave the braided pilot to his own devices.A year ago that's exactly what he would have done.But now, he cradled the boy to his chest, stroking this back soothingly, murmuring soft words, trying to reach **something in Duo's tortured mind.He had told himself over and over not to love, not to care, that it would only lead to pain and weakness.He had been trained to deny feelings, that they would only get in the way of the mission.But Duo had taught him how to love, how to feel, and in the end he had turned on the boy for it.He had convinced himself that it was better this way.That Duo deserved better.**

/But what about you, Yuy?Don't you deserve some happiness too? /He cut off that line of thinking, angry with himself for even pondering it./Besides, Duo is with Trowa now. /Heero suppressed the surge of jealousy that welled up when he imagined the two of them together./But it's in your arms Duo's weeping in, isn't it Yuy? /

_ _

**_Turn around, bright eyes. _**

**_Every now and then I fall apart... _**

**_Turn around, bright eyes. _**

**_Every now and then I fall apart..._**

Heero sighed and pushed such thoughts out of his mind for the moment.First he had to figure out how to pull Duo out of whatever Hell he was caught in tonight.The usual methods weren't working.He frowned.He knew the boy was prone to night terrors and had to fight bouts of insomnia because of them.But they had never been this bad before.Duo had never been completely unreachable./What could have triggered such a violent reaction?He hasn't been in any battles.It isn't the anniversary of Solo's death, or the Maxwell massacre, or… /Heero frowned, realizing something.Duo **never slept alone, not if he could possibly help it.And when he did, it was usually in the cockpit of Deathscythe, which as far as Duo was concerned, was alive, sort of.**

In the months before and while they had been lovers, they usually shared a room in whatever safehouse or boarding school they were in at the time.There were many times that Heero crawled into Duo's bed, learning very early that it was the easiest way to deal with the night terrors.First he had done it to shut the boy up, later because he truly cared for him.After their relationship had collapsed, Duo floated around to the others' rooms and beds, until Quatre set him up with Trowa.Heero would assume that when the tall pilot was away, Duo slipped into earlier habits and stayed with Quatre or Wufei.Until this week, when all three were gone.Duo had been trying to sleep alone.Tonight everything just fell apart.

_ _

**_And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever... _**

**_And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever... _**

**_And we'll only be making it right, cause we'll never be wrong..._**

_ _

_Everything was just black.The images of the Maxwell Church and all its horrors were gone.Duo wasn't sure which was worse.He couldn't see, hear, feel anything.He couldn't scream or move.He was alone.He couldn't stand being alone.Was he going crazy?Was he dead?Was this all that was left for him?Alone in the darkness.He couldn't breath.*Help me…**Please!…someone…anyone…****help me!…help…me…***_

Now Duo was hyperventilating; he had gone into a full-blown panic attack.Heero realized that his lips were moving.He narrowed his eyes, trying the read his lips between the gasping breaths.'Help me…please…someone…anyone…help me…' He gently shook the boy by the shoulders.

"Duo…Duo!Can you hear me?"

_A voice cut through the blackness.*…Heero?…*_

"Duo, it's Heero, can you hear me?You've got to wake up!Duo, you're dreaming!"

_*Heero?It's so dark, I can't breath.*_

"Duo, you're hyperventilating, you're dreaming, wake up!"Heero tucked the boy's head under his chin, holding him as close as possible, hoping that the contact would give Duo a lifeline back.He rocked the boy as a mother would rock her child."Please koi, wake up."

**_Together we can take it to the end of the line, _**

**_Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time... _**

**_I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark,_**

"Yuy?"He pulled back and looked down at the boy in his arms.Duo was shaking, his breath was still too rapid and shallow, and his eyes were haunted; but he was there."I'm so cold."Heero nodded, this was one of the aftereffects of his night terrors.It meant that he was coming out of the dream, but going into shock.He lifted the boy easily, too easily; Duo hadn't been eating lately then either.When had he completely stopped paying attention to his fellow pilot?With a gentleness that would have given Dr. J a fit, he laid Duo back in the bed and wrapped the blankets around his slight form.He hesitated a moment and then slid in beside the trembling boy.

Duo stiffened."Why are you here, Yuy?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me.Why are you here?You don't care.You made that abundantly clear months ago."

"Duo..I…" He swallowed."Do you want me to leave?"

**_We're living in a powder keg, and giving off sparks... _**

**_I really need you tonight! _**

**_Forever's gonna start tonight.Forever's gonna start tonight..._**

Duo didn't answer so Heero started to get up.The other boy rolled over, eyes panicked."Iie, don't go onegai…I don't want to be alone…I can't be alone…don't leave me alone…" His strained voice trailed away.His hands clutched at Heero's clothes.He buried his face in the Japanese pilot's stomach.Heero could feel fresh tears soaking through to dampen his skin.He sat back down and stroked Duo's hair.

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

**_Once upon a time, I was falling in love, _**

**_now I'm only falling apart... _**

**_Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart..._**

Duo lay across Heero, his cheek on the muscular stomach, and allowed the other pilot to play with his hair./Damn it, Yuy!Why do you still make me feel this way?I ache to be near you and at the same time, hate you for it.You **hurt me!You treated me like dirt.I know you love me, and that you can't admit that to yourself.That's fine.But don't go dragging me through the mud with you.I've moved on.I'm happy with Tro. /He turned his face into the other boy and inhaled Heero's strong, masculine scent.It was so familiar, so comforting.Duo felt the tears welling up again and just let them go.He was too drained, emotionally and physically, to hold them./Damn you, Yuy!I don't want to get hurt again.But I still love you. /**

**_Once upon a time, there was light in my life, _**

**_now there's only love in the dark... _**

**_Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart..._**

/Oh Duo, when did you get so fragile? /Heero had never seen him walking so close to the edge before.If he hadn't been here, hadn't heard the boy, hadn't been curious enough, well okay, **worried enough to check on him…Heero shuddered away from the thought of Duo insane, or even killing himself./But it could have happened, Yuy.You're supposed to be his friend.It is your responsibility to look out for those who fight with you.You decided to play protector, and you nearly failed. /He shook his head./Gomen nasai, Duo.I should have been watching you.But I thought since you were with Trowa…but I guess he doesn't know you as well as I do, ne?I guess being with him just isn't enough. /**

"Yuy?"

"Hnn?"

"Did you mean what you said?"

"Itsu?"[when]

"When you called me, 'koi'?"

Turn around. Every now and then I know you'll never 

**_be the boy you always wanted to be... _**

**_Turn around. Every now and then I know you'll always _**

**_be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am..._**

"Did I really say that?"

"Hai."

"Then I meant it."

"Demo, Heero…"

"Duo-kun.I know I hurt you.Please believe me when I say that I didn't want to."

"Then why?"Duo's voice was choked; his face still buried in Heero's shirt.

Heero sighed; he really hadn't wanted to get into this tonight, or ever."I was afraid."

Duo pushed himself up on his elbows, craning his head to stare at Heero's face./Yuy afraid? /"Of what?"Heero tried to talk, but the words wouldn't come out.Duo lowered his eyes, knowing that it was never easy for Heero to talk about his emotions."Take your time.I'm not going anywhere."

Turn around.Every now and then I know there's no one 

**_in the universe as magical and wondrous as you... _**

**_Turn around.Every now and then I know there isn't any better,_**

**_there's nothing that I just wouldn't do..._**

Finally Heero managed to get the words past the tightness in his chest."I was afraid, of caring, of love, of losing you.And I didn't want to think of what would happen to you if I died.I was fighting against my training, at the time the training won."Heero cradled Duo back against his chest."But I don't want to give in to Dr. J's plan for me.Gomen, Duo-chan, I was wrong.I need you."

He crushed Duo to him, burying his face in the chestnut hair."Gomen…gomen nasai." His voice whispered in Duo's ear.A drop of water fell on the stunned boy's cheek.He tasted it as it trickled down his face.It was salty. /Tears?!Heero's **crying?! /**

**_Turn around, bright eyes. _**

**_Every now and then I fall apart... _**

**_Turn around, bright eyes. _**

**_Every now and then I fall apart..._**

Duo turned in Heero's arms so that he could see the Japanese boy's face.He brushed away the dampness where a single tear had fallen."Hee-chan?Arigatou."

Heero was shocked. "Nani?!I treated you horribly.I acted like such a bastard.**How can you possibly thank me?!"**

"Because you didn't mean it.That's all behind us.I know now that you never really felt that way.You cared enough to come save me tonight.If you hadn't…I…I don't know what would have happened."

Heero hung his head./Oh Duo, how can you be so kind? /"I…I can't ask you to forgive me, or take me back.You're with Trowa now.With all that I've done, I'll understand if you never want to be near me.But please, don't let something like tonight ever happen again!I thought we had lost you, and it scared me.And not just because you are a good pilot and important to the war.It scared me because you are my friend, even if I haven't been treating you like one.Next time you need me, just come find me.I would never turn you away, koi."

"Heero."

"Hai?" He didn't raise his head, ready for Duo's rejection.

"Say that again." Heero's cobalt eyes met violet.He was suddenly breathless at the love in those unfathomable pools of amethyst.

"Koi?"

Duo rose to his knees and leaned over Heero, capturing his mouth with a searing kiss.

**_And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever..._**

**_And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever..._**

**_And we'll only be making it right, cause we'll never be wrong..._**

**_Together we can take it to the end of the line,…_**

Duo pulled away, suddenly hesitant.It had been such a long time since he and Heero had touched each other with passion.He sat back on his heels, eyes downcast shyly.Heero shifted, rising so that he too, was kneeling.He cupped Duo's beautiful face with both hands and kissed him so very gently.He felt the tension in Duo's body ease as the boy relaxed into the kiss.The Japanese youth nudged at his love's mouth with his tongue, asking.Duo parted his lips inviting the other in.The kiss was long and deep as they relearned the tastes and textures of the other.They finally broke for air, Heero still holding Duo's face.He peered into those violet eyes and spoke from his heart."Ai shiteru."

**_Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time..._**

**_I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark..._**

Duo threw his arms around Heero's neck, nearly crying."I missed you so much."

"I know.I missed you too."He twisted with Duo in his arms, gently lowering the boy to the bed.He leaned over and kissed him deeply, tracing the curves of his sensual mouth with a soft tongue.He paused to remove his tanktop and then resumed his leisurely examination of Duo's face.

The smaller pilot moaned softly as Heero captured an ear and sucked lightly.His hands came up to touch Heero.The Japanese boy caught his wrists and pressed them back to the bed, preventing any movement on the part of the boy.He continued to lap at first one sensitive nub of flesh, then the other.He nipped ever so lightly causing Duo to moan and sigh beneath him.

**_We're living in a powder keg, and giving off sparks..._**

**_I really need you tonight!_**

**_Forever's gonna start tonight.Forever's gonna start tonight..._**

Heero slid down the boy's body, drawing a hiss as their cloth covered members rubbed against each other.His wandering lips sought a nipple.He kissed and nibbled his way around it, careful not to touch the sensitive nub.Duo's breathing quickened, he squirmed but Heero's strong body had him pinned.Finally he brushed the tip of his tongue over the aching flesh.Duo jerked, Heero smiled and latched on to the tender skin.

After coaxing both nipples into stiff peaks, while Duo moaned and thrashed beneath him, Heero stared to kiss his way down the planes of his stomach.He felt the flutter of Duo's muscles as he found a sensitive spot.He continued on, leaving a final kiss on his koi's silk-clad shaft.Duo groaned.

Heero released Duo's wrists and sat up on his heels admiring his handiwork.The boy's eyes were clenched tightly and he was breathing heavily.His hands, balled into fists, were lying where Heero had left him.His erection strained against the silk of his boxers.Heero realized that Duo was lying way too still, like he was afraid to move, and his heavy breathing was somewhat erratic./K'so!Yuy no baka!He hasn't recovered from the panic attack yet and you go and restrain him!Kisama! /

"Duo?"Violet eyes flew open."Daijoubu desu ka?"

"You torture me with **that and then ask if I'm okay?!"It was the amused tone in Duo's voice that convinced Heero that he was in fact all right.**

"Gomen, I thought maybe I'd…"

"Yuy no baka!Get down here!"Duo grabbed his arms and hauled Heero down so that he was crushed beneath the Japanese boy."Hee-chan, if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't lay beneath you."Heero nodded, he understood what Duo meant.He had told him how his body had been sold before.The fact that he was willing to be uke was a sign of great trust.

"You're the only important one tonight.What do you want me to do?"

"Make love to me Heero, just make love to me."

**_Once upon a time, I was falling in love..._**

**_Now I'm only falling apart..._**

**_Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart..._**

"Duo, is this a one time thing?"

"Are you kidding?Not after that display of prowess, Yuy!Either I've forgotten, or you've improved."

"Duo!"

"Nani?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"After the night I've had, I can barely remember my own name."

Heero shook his head, exasperated."What about Trowa?"

"Oui, what about me?"Both boys jumped and turned guilty eyes toward the door.The tall pilot in question stood there, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.His face was as usual, a complete blank.

Duo sat up, moving away from Heero.He started to panic. /What if Tro is upset?Or angry?Or…/"K'so!Tro-chan…I …I can explain…I was dreaming…and…and…and I fell out of bed…and…and then Heero…" He doubled over, struggling to breath.Heero was suddenly supporting him on one side, Trowa on the other.They were both urging him to be calm, rubbing his back, telling him to breathe slowly.

Trowa looked at Heero."Panic attack?"

Heero nodded. "Night terror."Trowa had only witnessed one of Duo's full-blown episodes.He didn't know how Heero had dealt with them for so many months.

"What triggered it?"

"Being alone."

Trowa nodded, he understood.Duo simply couldn't stand to be alone.Sooner or later in his young life, everyone he cared about left him.It was a wonder sometimes that he was still sane.It was a good thing that Heero had been here.He got the feeling that this had been a bad one.Strangely, Trowa didn't feel at all jealous.From the look in Heero's eyes, he had finally admitted to Duo and himself how he felt for the young pilot./Ah well, when your heart has been empty your whole life; there is always room for one more. /"Duo-kun, can you make a choice?"

He looked up, tears and an obscure pain clouding his violet eyes."You mean, choose between you and Heero?" he whispered.

"Hai." Heero said.

Duo looked from one to the other, and hung his head."No."Trowa smiled at Heero over Duo's head; and to his surprise, the Japanese boy smiled back.

"That's good to hear." He said as he cast off his clothes.He helped Heero ease the bewildered Duo back down on the bed between them.

"You mean…"

"We discussed this weeks ago, on the off chance that Heero would finally get up the nerve to grovel at your feet."

"I did not grovel."

"No, but you certainly looked like you were begging earlier."

"You were watching?!"Duo actually blushed.

"Uh huh.And I must say, it was a fine show.Makes me sorry I wasn't a participant."

Heero rolled over on his side, head propped up on one hand."I think that can be remedied."

"Well, I certainly hope so."

"Uh guys?I'm kinda tired and all…"

"That's okay."

"We'll do all the work."

**_Once upon a time, there was light in my life, _**

**_now there's only love in the dark..._**

**_Nothing I can_**** _say, a total eclipse of the heart._**

_ _

-sin sin, tis done-

See, Heero isn't such a bastard after all.When I said OOC I really meant it.I mean, Heero crying?And upon further review Duo is pretty weepy too.Oh well, chalk it up to the trauma.*sigh*Finally, these three are where they should be.This is for Shoori and Aoe. (Shoori likes 2x3, Aoe likes 1x2; so 1x2x3 keeps everyone happy! )Now to go to work on the other two...

-Quick note… it's gonna be a bit before the next part in this ongoing story line is up, the untimely death of my hard drive also killed the next story.(not that it was any good, but at least now I don't have an excuse not to rewrite it)So we will take a break from this story line and go into my AU, it's really really AU.Ja ne.–Yanagi-sen^_^


End file.
